The Weather of God: an equal-opportunity hater

Looking at the weather forcast for this weekend in the United States I came upon this depressing little graphic:

Just look at that slippery, sliding, blue arrow of deadly cold getting ready to pounce on us. Mr. "Polar Plunge", eh? Why do I think that's going to hurt (alot)? Look at that menacing red "L" up there, just waiting to slide down our throats and shiver our proverbial timbers. "Warm lakes" ... is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it doesn't. Not in the least. "Lake-effect snow"? Yeah, that's encouraging.

"Oh darn", I thought to myself. "Here comes that miserable Michigan winter. Those lucky folks in Dallas are probably right this instant prancing around in the sun, throwing picnics and feeding mallards. Naked."

However, as I read the rest of the article, my hopes gradually began rising until finally I started feeling pretty jolly once I found this weather forecast graphic for Texas:

That's right, kids, you've got two nasty arrows coming for you. And they are much pointier than the blue one headed for Michigan. "Warm" and "moist"? That's just too ways of saying "pain" as far as I'm concerned. Added to that danger is a scary angel-of-death looking purple "vigorous jetstream" that I have a feeling is just gonna rain on your little undergraduage/graduate parade. "T-Storm Setup Tuesday," oooh, that sounds like a "setup for hilarity" to me.

That is, if you think death is funny.

Plus it appears that the whole Dallas area is neck-deep in a lava field. Truly the maw of hell is open, and the entrance is Dallas, TX. I'm not sure what "strong" means, but it probably was an editorial error which meant to read "strong chance of hellfire."

So, let's recap what we've learned with one final graphic:

As you can clearly see, Michigan is protected from the "arctic blast" by a brown rubber-like "mild bubble". No chance of STD's (storm-transmitted-deaths) up here. Meanwhile, Texas is covered by a glowing red-hot lava field, mercilessly burning people and overcooking pizzas (or overcooking people and burning pizzas, depending on your viewpoint).

Finally, it appears that two ultra-huge octopuses have emerged from the lava field and have begun their slow inexorable march from the north to Dallas where, doubtelessly, millions will die a slow, painful, and tentacle-encrusted death.

So... when can I come visit? :-)